Algebra for Wrestlers

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Algebra for Wrestlers

Post by Isis Derrida on Fri Apr 10, 2015 9:56 pm

The camera opens on Isis Derrida, standing in the middle of a wrestling ring. The lights in the arena are dark save for a few that shine directly above the ring itself. Isis is dressed in street clothes, and behind him stands a simple chalkboard. Isis is dressed in street clothes, with minor adjustments made to make himself look more like a teacher. A pair of half-rimmed glasses sits squarely on his nose, a mechanical pencil is tucked behind his ear, and a plain black necktie hangs loosely from around his neck.

Isis: Good evening, class, and welcome to Algebra for Wrestlers 101. It has been brought to my attention that some of you have taken this course before - if that is indeed the case, then shame on you for being here again. The only reason one would need to take such a course as this again would be that they have failed it once before. Failing an introductory course such as this is, of course, inexcusable.

He pauses for a moment, pushing his glasses further up to the bridge of his nose.

Isis: Failure in a course such as this indicates a lack of understanding for how wrestling truly works; failure to pass this course indicates that you do not see how wrestling's many parts fit together, nor do you understand what is required to be truly successful in this sport. It truly is sad to see you all back here again. It tells me that I have not done my job, that I have failed to properly educate you. Alas, I have no recourse other than to try again, and try again I shall.

With that, the Isis turns back to the board, lifts the piece of chalk in his fingers, and begins to write. It truly is something to watch - his hands and fingers dance nimbly over the entirety of the board, deftly manipulating the stick of chalk into creating wide, sweeping lines and crisp, legible figures. Derrida's script is somehow both elegant and economical, both graceful and efficient, and when he has at last finished and steps away from the chalkboard, said script covers close to all of its surface.

Isis: Take a good look, class. Copy down everything on the board, and try your best to not get any of it wrong.

The script on the board is a complex series of algebraic equations and inequalities, centered around the variables D, M, A, and J. Next to the series of equations and inequalities, Isis has written down an extensive definition for each variable - what it represents, how it relates to the other three variables, and so on.

Isis: Professional wrestlers can be broken down into four main subgroups. While several variations and mutations can exist within these four groups, nearly every professional wrestler on the planet can have one of these four variables affixed to them.

Isis: The first variable is J. It describes a wrestler who is at the very bottom of the totem pole - the lowest of the low, the meekest of the meek. Such wrestlers are typically very vocal about how they cannot be described as J; they tend to believe that they are better than that, and while they go to great lengths to convince everyone as such, they typically only succeed in proving that they are, in fact, so incompetent as to be affixed the letter J.

Isis: The second variable I'm going to discuss is M. Wrestlers categorized under M have a great deal of potential; whether they have realized said potential or not varies from one wrestler to the next, but in all cases it is clearly present and clearly observable. What sets M wrestlers apart is the fact that they typically blame outside forces for their failures and shortcomings. They refuse to believe that they themselves are at fault, and are more than willing to affix blame for their lack of greater success to virtually any other party. They are unwilling to take accountability for their actions, and as a result typically fail to realize the potential that so characterizes them.

Isis: Our next variable is A. A wrestlers can be identified by their considerable talent - often times, wrestlers in this category were M wrestlers at one point or another, and made the category jump when they stopped blaming outside forces for their failures. While A wrestlers are certainly forces to be reckoned with in the ring, their defining characteristic is their inability to see their own limitations. While certainly talented, they fail to see where their talent ends. This blind arrogance often leads them in over their heads, landing them in ungainly situations. These can be conflicts with fans, wrestling management, financial sponsors, or - as is most often the case - conflicts in the ring with D wrestlers.

Isis: D wrestlers are, for lack of a better explanation, wrestling's answer to self-actualization. A D wrestler is fully aware of his abilities, knows his place on the pecking order, and is fully accountable for his actions both in and out of the ring. Wrestlers classified by the letter D, more often than not, find themselves at or near the top of their respective food chains. Very few wrestlers are ever categorized under D; only wrestlers who have spent years honing their wrestling abilities, ring senses, and physical attributes to near-perfection ever stand a chance of such categorization.

It is only now that Isis steps back from the board again and takes a deep breath, having reached a stopping point in his lecture. He remains silent for a few moments, before stepping back up to the board and pointing at the equations.

Isis: More important than the variables themselves is how they fit together. Pay attention, class - this is the important part.

He gestures to one line of variables and other symbols, about halfway down the board - a multi-stage algebraic inequality.

D > A > M > J

Isis: This is the natural breakdown for the four main types of professional wrestler. This inequality illustrates the general pecking order - as you can clearly see, all who step into the squared circle should strive to be classified as a D wrestler.

Isis steps back from the board again and claps the chalk dust from his hands.

Isis: Have a nice weekend, everyone - see you next class.

With that, Isis Derrida removes his glasses and tucks one of their holders into the collar of his shirt. He walks towards the ropes and leaves the ring, walking off into the darkness that fills the rest of the arena.

Isis Derrida

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